Apropos of everything.

Knock-knock.

Who's there?

That polyp we took out of your colon was really big and about to go to the dark side.



Knock-knock.

Who's there?

That stupid colonoscopy saved your cheese.  Orange you glad we didn't say 'banana'?



They took pictures for the album.  Tubulovillous adenoma, schtubulovillous adenoma.  The last time an alien that big was in me, I let it get 40 weeks old and pushed it out.  


Knock-knock.

Who's there?

Goa.

Goa who?

Goahead and get a stupid colonoscopy when you're 50.

As Heard at Our House™


[watching steamy love scene set in RV]  Ooh, they have slides!

Keep this to yourself.

Everyone has a family secret.  I'm just not sure how to describe it.  It's like ... you know how you ... sometimes it doesn't ...

• You're at a hockey game and a hug breaks out.
• Traffic slows on the interstate for a four-car picnic.
• A policeman in riot gear approaches you with a lavender-peppermint spritz.

How was I unique at this gathering?  I brought my wife, and everyone else in the house was my cousin somehow.

Cousin Savannah (shown with her mom, Cousin Jennifer

Savannah

Cousin Colin, Cousin Jennifer, and cousin Savannah.  High on "Chicago."
Just say NO to musicals.

Cousin Ian, who is indifferent to the camera.

Cousin Savannah, who is not.

My new Cousin Aaron (his new Cousin Annie in the background)

Cousin Ellis and her GG, Cousin Lori

Lori is my straight-up first cousin,  and the matriarch of ... OW!  I'm just kiddi ... OW!  SHE'S NOT THE MATRIARCH!  OW!  SHE'S NOT EVEN A GRANDMOTHER QUIT IT!  

"Drop the fifth ace or I will cut you ... another slice of pie."

Cousin Jonathan, and

Cousin Cynthia

Cousin Annie and Cousin Roxi

Lori is Jennifer and Jonathan's mom, and Cynthia and Ellis are Jonathan's daughters, and Colin, Ian and Savannah are Jennifer and Aaron's kids, so Jonathan and Jennifer are my first cousins, once-removed and Ellis, Colin, Cynthia, Ian, and Savannah are my first cousins, twice-removed, and ... ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?

Did you correctly identify the:

• Mormons 
• anarchists
• Buddhists
• atheists
• agnostics
• libertarians
• liberals
• New Age-ers
• centrists
• homeopaths
• allopaths
• orthomolecularists

Hint:  it's not easy;  no one was only one thing.  No one is ever only one thing.

Before: ♥

After: ❤

As Heard At Our House™, Thanksgiving edition

[holding cat]  Tucker just became intestinally-comfortable.
~~~


Okay, that's two bottles of wine for the party, two bottles for Thanksgiving, one bottle for us ... that's almost $10 worth of wine!


We wish you all sort of comforts for the body and spirit.

Roxi and Annie

Indiana wants me.

My mom had been within the border of every state before she was twenty-one. In 1952, they were all still contiguous.  Her friends told her she should appear on the TV show "I've Got a Secret."

Annie's family lives in Indiana, and we were last there in 2009 for Thanksgiving.  I loved Indiana farmland the way you love someplace you'll never have to live.  The silence was thick around my ears and squeezed its way in.









Occasionally, I dream that Annie and I have bought a house in the Midwest because prices are good. I try to be happy, but we are always either settling in southern Ohio in my first hometown, or in southern Indiana in hers.

My mother grew up in NYS, and that's where I went when I was eighteen.  There are scads of my relatives there, few of whom I've ever met. If your name is Luce, we are cousins descended from Henry Luce of Martha's Vineyard - the first Luce in the U.S. There are lots of other ways for us to be cousins, but that's the easiest. I don't have any money, so there's no reason you'd want to acknowledge kinship.

I didn't grow up with holiday traditions.  I've shared satisfying holidays with friends and with Annie's family, but this is the first time EVER that I am going to spend Thanksgiving with my relatives in a traditional style.  Woohoo!  Some of us are ultra-liberal, some of us are conservative, and a couple of us are libertarian.  Some are Mormon, some atheist, some agnostic, and some are New Age-y.  Some don't believe in Western medicine, and some believe in nothing else.  I don't see how anything can go wrong.
~~~~~~~

We went shopping for a book suitable for a little girl who has just started reading.  [We had to drive an hour to a town with a bookstore.]  We browsed a Disney Princess book, and asked the clerk for something where women don't need to be rescued.  She directed us to a series written by Jamie Lee Curtis;  we chose Today I Feel Silly: and Other Moods That Make My Day.  It made us LOL!  Good call, Books-a-Million clerk!
~~~~~~~

Still searching for butt rests.  Took them out for test-rests today.

Advice from a Duck

Listen to music from your youth and drink a glass of wine.  It will reboot your buggy system.  It's virus protection for the soul.

If you're feeling jaded, try this new blog, Interstellar Orchard.  It's fresh, hopeful, and sensible.  All at once.

Here's some Arizona:

I be bloggin', they workin'.

Thanks again for Phil's birthday wishes. He enjoyed them, and so did we. I think he enjoyed them with more alcohol than we did; just a guess.

For your pleasure:

It's a duck on a fence

I laughed myself incontinent over this.  I mean, when do you see a duck on a fence?  Plus, it was just after dawn, so quack-a-doodle-doo!

No one noticed the incontinence because of the lake.  Water, water everywhere.

We've been talking about our sitting situation for a long time.

No need to be so dramatic.  Get up, let's talk about it again.

I sat so long one day I crippled myself.  This couch is fourteen years old (108 in our years), and you don't get comfortable sitting on Great-Great-Great-Aunt Esther.  

Slow-forward a few days.  The couch is gone and we're sitting on camp chairs.  Better!  We need a semi-permanent solution, and we're willing to think outside the Broyhill.  Give us ideas, please.

We've considered:

• a reclining loveseat - we have one in mind
• comfy office chairs with storage footrests (first used in the Footrest Empire) - we have one in mind
• lawn chaises - we have one in mind
• YOUR IDEA HERE - you have one in mind

Annie is already dressed and ready to do Stuff.  I have more sitting to do.

We get letters.

I got an email from a regular reader who calls himself "Phil."  He might look something like this:

"I look exactly like this."

I'm still reading your blog, but it's lost its flair for bringing in the non-RVer.  So many shout-outs and links... you've assimilated completely.

Ouch, "Phil."  Ouch.  He goes on to say:

Love you!

Well, maybe that gets you somewhere with other moms, but ... okay, I forgive you.  Just remember the twenty-five hours of labor that spanned this entire day 25 years ago, and you were a big baby.  If there were any hope of my being awake at 12:20 AM, November 12, I'd wish you a Happy Birthday! right then and there.

I know you're not a big celebration guy, so it'll be just a heart-healthy glass of New York State cab with the lovely Katy.  I imagine you'll sleep right through the actual early-morning 25th anniversary of your birth.  That's okay;  you didn't inherit my wild party-animal genes.  You only got my stunning good looks, winning charm,  and razor-edged intellect.  I just hope that's enough.

I love you!  Happy Birthday, "Phil!"

Bloggy despair

Renowned fecal RV blogger, The Midlife Cruiser, is hanging up her keyboard and settling down. I'm so happy for her, whatever. WHAT ABOUT US???



               

O, what a noble blog is here o'erthrown

Nellie and Jonathan have found a place they'd like to call home, so let's wish them a Happy Staying.  

Annie said, "Nellie knows there will be a hole in the Internet where pooping dogs used to be."

Good luck, you guys!  

Here you go. It's generosity.

I dreamed I started a band and named it Dixieland Stain.

Our friends,  Darlene and Downwind Nicole, have started their new life and their new blog, Where the Wind Goes.   They're finally living in a van down by the river!  Woohoo!

 

One thing, ladies:  you have comments turned off, and THAT WILL NOT DO.  I will just text you my comments in the wee hours.


I read Kahlil Gibran to Annie this afternoon, but it didn't go well.

R: Those who give you a serpent when you ask for a fish, may have nothing but serpents to give. It is then generosity on their part.

A: I get that. It's like when some guy goes, Man, can I have a dollar? and you give him a turd.

R: Because that's all you have. It's generosity. I don't have any money, but my pockets are full of turds. Here you go.

A: Turds were buy-one-get-one so I stocked up.  You're welcome to have some.

R: Okay, I'm going to start reading again. Let him who wipes his soiled hands with your garment take your garment. He may need it again; surely you would not.

A: Because you just gave him a turd.

Driving Miss Lazy: learn to drive a big RV

Annie mentioned that it might be appropriate for an RV-centered blog to go ahead and talk about RV-related things.  I don't wanna go to school! The dog ate my homework!  I don't feel well!  I have a fever! I threw up all night!  I missed the bus.


Fine.  Here's some stuff:

We both attended the Driver Confidence Course held at Lazy Days in Seffner, FL.  It's near Tampa.  I've never driven the Duck [looks abashed], although we agreed I should know how.  Annie admits to being a control-freak, and I admit to being lazy;  we're a match made in Dysfunction Junction.

Barney was an excellent teacher.  He was comfortable with the subject, experienced behind the wheel and behind the lectern.  We were in the classroom about 75 minutes, but it seemed much less, and we met back in the afternoon for some white-knuckle road training.  Each student got about 10 minutes behind the Big Wheel, a 39' Fleetwood diesel pusher.  We ran through an ever-changing obstacle course (people kept moving vehicles, appearing on bicycles, parking cars, throwing themselves in front of us.  The runaway baby carriage was overkill, if you ask me).

There was good advice about

• how to back up with and without a partner
• how to mark your mirrors so they always provide the best information
• how to navigate a turn
• how to know where your corners and turning bits are
• why you should never back up if you can't see your wife

Social commentary:  Watching these RVing couples reminded me of an important thing.  It's better to be married to a woman.  Women, sorry about that.  Men, high-five!  

Yes, I see the smudge.

Here are the videos. If you can't get to a class, these videos will be very useful. Go ahead and watch them. You should watch them. WATCH THEM.